The Weight of Denial
What happens when you spend your life denying a core part of yourself? For me, it led to years of inner turmoil, self-sabotage, and feeling disconnected from my own life.
I used to tell myself I was straight. I thought if I said it enough, it would become true.
For years, I ignored the small, persistent voice inside me that whispered the truth. I thought if I pushed it down hard enough, it would disappear. But the more I denied it, the heavier the weight became.
Living in Two Worlds
As a teenager, I carried a deep anger, though I didn’t fully understand why. One major reason was, I was denying a core part of myself—my sexuality. Looking back, I can only assume it was the pressure to conform to society’s expectations, as I don’t remember any overt messaging indicating I wasn’t safe to share. It was strange because, in so many other ways, I was a rebel.
Looking back, I realise, I was rebelling. However, not only was I rebelling against my parents, teachers and societal expectations, I was also rebelling against myself.
I remember when I was quite young, those feelings in my body, the heart fluttering, that warm and fuzzy feeling, when I saw an attractive girl. I’m not sure I fully understood it, back then. I just knew it felt nice. When I got a bit older (about 20) and reunited with an old school friend, who I also had a crush on, she shared that she was bi. The memories of that crush back in high school, came flooding back, but I had dismissed it, or convinced myself, that it was me being in awe of her inner strength, her ability to stand up for what she believed in. These things were also true, but deep down, I knew there was more to it than that.
Denying myself, resulted in many unhealthy choices, including problematic relationships, drug and alcohol use, and other risk-taking behaviours. It was like my subconscious chose these to numb the pain of self-denial and to rebel against societal expectations. Talk about cutting your nose off to spite your face… In hindsight, I would’ve been much better off rebelling against societal expectations by being, true to myself, and with someone who I truly wanted to be with.
Having children at a young age kept me busy and distracted, and for a while, that part of me was easy to push aside. Every now and then, I caught glimpses of (or felt) my true self, but I quickly buried them again. I worked hard to suppress what I knew deep down—until, eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore.
The Breaking Point
I found myself allowing those thoughts more and more space. I was still scared and unsure what it all meant, but I was less resistant to my truth. After several years, I met the woman, I would spend the next nine years with. This is when everything truly shifted. As we grew closer, I gradually allowed myself to embrace my truth. I was in a bubble—not just a ‘new relationship bubble’ but a bubble of self-acceptance and discovery.
Unfortunately, that bubble burst in a way that was both shocking and defining. One night, we were in a bar, enjoying ourselves, when a man, emboldened by alcohol, repeatedly asked us to kiss for his entertainment. He wouldn’t let it go. What struck me wasn’t just the request itself—it was my visceral reaction to it. This was my first overt experience of ‘heterosexism meets patriarchy.’ More on this another time.
The Emotional Toll of Hiding
Denial takes a toll. It seeps into every part of your life, whether you realise it or not.
For me, it looked like pushing myself into roles and relationships that didn’t fit. It looked like self-sabotage—using distractions, numbing myself, convincing myself that if I just followed the ‘right’ path, I’d eventually feel okay. But I never did.
The truth is, the more we suppress, the louder our inner turmoil becomes. It can show up as anxiety, anger, chronic stress, and even physical symptoms. Our bodies know when we’re living a lie, even if our minds try to ignore it.
Learning to Accept Myself
The first step was allowing myself to acknowledge the truth—even if I wasn’t ready to say it out loud yet.
At first, it was just small moments of honesty with myself. I stopped fighting the thoughts that surfaced. I stopped shaming myself for who I was. Over time, that internal acceptance grew into outward courage.
I won’t say it was easy, and it definitely doesn’t happen overnight. Stepping into authenticity often means unlearning years of conditioning, fear, and self-judgment. It will be a journey, but it is well worth it, and, of course, necessary.
The Lessons I Learned
If you’re struggling with self-acceptance, I want you to know this: You are NOT broken. You do not need fixing. You are worthy of love and belonging exactly as you are.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
✅ Start by being honest with yourself, even if you’re not ready to share it with the world.
✅ Healing is a process—give yourself grace.
✅ You don’t have to do it alone—there are people who will support you.
Your Journey to Self-Acceptance
Have you ever denied something about yourself to fit in? I’d love to hear your thoughts in the comments. For me, there were many things, however today we’re talking about my sexuality. For you, it may also be sexuality, or it may be something completely different.
If you’re struggling with self-acceptance, know that you’re not alone. Reach out if you need support.
I help people navigate this journey, called life — if you’re ready to explore what self-acceptance looks like for you, let’s chat.