I’d like to talk about a couple of experiences I had recently, wearing my ‘Protect Trans Kids’ t-shirt. (That I absolutely love, by the way)
Before I start though, I’d like to acknowledge my privilege as a white, cis woman, living in a reasonably safe country and community. I consider myself to be fairly confident and comfortable in my own skin as a queer woman, most of the time. And I am, however, like many queer folks, and find myself scanning my environment for safety, particularly when I’m with my partner. That scanning has become part of my ordinary existence, albeit less than many.
Now you have some context, let’s talk about the ‘Trans Rights rally’ I attended recently, wearing my ‘Protect Trans Kids’ t-shirt. I felt proud to be wearing my t-shirt. It was a great opportunity to wear it and send a clear message to anyone I walked past. I was grateful to Stevie for their generosity in gifting it to me and excited to finally have a chance to wear it. (it had been way too cold previously)
I gathered my rainbow paraphernalia, water bottle, and keys, we were on our way. Walking to the Skytrain, feeling confident and inspired to send a very clear, loud message to the world that Trans Rights Are Human Rights. I jumped on the Skytrain and headed downtown, head held high, feeling ready and honoured for the opportunity to enhance the voices of our community. There were a few ‘looks’, that I assumed were people reading the message on my t-shirt and processing what that meant. I didn’t think too much about it, but I did feel some pride. I smiled and returned the look with a confident expression of ‘Yep, we ALL need to protect trans kids’.
We disembarked the Skytrain, wandered up the stairs, and headed downtown. I’m not sure when things changed, but at some stage, on my way to the meeting place, I noticed a shift in how I was feeling in my body. I was feeling less safe, more self-conscious, less confident. I was scanning my environment for threats. I was oscillating between paying particular attention to the expressions on people’s faces, to completely avoiding eye contact. Is it safer to avoid, or to assess their faces, eyes, for attitudes that may result in conflict?
Wow!! This feeling of unease took me by complete surprise. Is this a sign of the times? Has all the negative press, hate speech, mis and disinformation shaken my confidence and comfortability in my own skin? After all, I was no stranger to activism. This was strange. This was going to require some time and space for self-reflection. Now was not the time for that. It was time to do what I could to raise the voices of the trans community. Be there for those who couldn’t. Again, I acknowledge my privilege. I am not fighting for my life. I don’t need to defend my personhood. I am here for my community, for the trans folk and families I work with, for those who can’t be here and to back up those who are.
What this experience did give me was an even deeper understanding of trans people’s experiences, those who are fighting for their lives, defending their personhood, and defending their right to exist in the world as their true selves. Of course, I have a significant amount of understanding and compassion, through personal and professional experiences. This is another level, as it connects felt experience, though obviously significantly reduced in comparison to a trans person’s experience. It does, however, provide opportunity to connect with how they may feel on a daily basis.
Fast forward to a couple of weeks later, I attended a Pride event, wearing that same t-shirt again. My previous experience had temporarily left my conscious mind. We had a lovely time at the event, however, once we left, that previous feeling arose. I do acknowledge it was less than last time, but I was definitely scanning for safety, poor attitudes, and potential conflict.
Why did it improve this time? I believe it was because I spent time reflecting on my previous experience. I approached myself with kindness and compassion, and I was able to acknowledge my feelings without judgment, I allowed space for them. I didn’t push them away. I also spent time considering how I might respond to someone’s comments. In short, I felt a little more prepared.
This all got me thinking about you, parents of queer people, allies. How could my experiences help you?
I feel like we, as humans, often avoid uncomfortable, potentially conflictual experiences. This is both normal and understandable. However, in this context, your child, by purely existing as their authentic selves, is often unable to do that, if they are to participate in the world. Therefore, it could be beneficial for you to consider how you can put yourself in situations that are less comfortable to both send a message of support to them and to observe your experience.
When you hear me suggest this, what thoughts enter your mind? What do you feel in your body? What are your initial urges and/or reactions? How do you imagine you’d respond if confronted with questions, curiosity or worse, conflict? Can you use this experience to assist in deepening your understanding of your child’s experience and perhaps some of their behaviours?
For example, does it help you understand why your child may be reluctant to leave the house, struggle to go to school, haven’t found a job yet, or refuse to take public transport?
It’s true, this is a great opportunity to gain insight into how the trans people in your life may feel when out in public, or even simply considering leaving the house or attending a specific event. Embrace it and explore other opportunities to continue to deepen your understanding. It will also provide you with more insight into yourself and your own experience. Pay attention to what comes up for you. What are you worried about? Are there any hidden thoughts, beliefs, or biases coming up for you?
Many parents I’ve worked with who are feeling reasonably comfortable with their child’s sexuality or gender identity are shocked at the feelings that come up for them, once they decide to be more public. It may be tempting to fall into a judgemental or critical headspace, towards self; however, I encourage you to approach it with a curious, growth mindset. The wonderful thing about it is that they were then able to dive deep into where these were coming from, resulting in a strengthening of their relationship with their child. Closely followed by wholehearted celebrations with and for their child, whether that was attending Pride events or something else, sending a beautiful message to their child, of allyship and unconditional love and support.
What does this mean for you? I hear you ask…
Deciding whether to be a more public ally may feel daunting, or perhaps you’re feeling comfortable and confident and ready to go. Either way, I’d encourage you to take a little time to prepare yourself. Remember earlier, I mentioned the difference I felt at the two events? And I’m no stranger to Pride events and rallies, protests and marches. Please take some time to consider how you might respond if you are approached.
One thing I became acutely aware of while I was on my way to the trans rally, was that my behaviour would reflect on the trans community. It was important for me to consider, what would be most beneficial. I also had to consider, what I felt I had the capacity for, at that moment. This may change from event to event, circumstance to circumstance. I also want to acknowledge that I’m trained and experienced in speaking on topics related to the LGBTQ+ community and you may not be, so be kind to yourself.
I’d also like to note that while this experience gave me and will likely give you some valuable insight into the felt experience of your trans loved one, it will never be the same for a cis person. The difference is that we have the choice to wear that t-shirt or carry the flag, it is not our identity that is being questioned or challenged. We also get a reprieve when we take the t-shirt off. Your worry for your child, as a parent, is also different to their experience, 24/7.
Sooo, the bottom line is, it’s ok to feel uneasy, it may even be a gift. Take your time, prepare and be kind to yourself. As always, you don’t need to do it alone, however, your child is not the person to support you. If you’d like support to get to the place where you can do this, or to guide you through the feelings that come up as you take these next steps, I’ve got you. My book, It’s About You Too: Reducing the Overwhelm for Parents of LGBTQ+ Kids has a whole chapter on ‘Parents Come Out Too’, as well as chapters that explore beliefs, values, emotions and thoughts. There’s also a module in my Reconnecting Families program that covers how external factors impact you and how to manage them. Those external factors include family, friends, colleagues, neighbours and strangers in society. And, of course, you can always book a single session to discuss, vent, process and/or explore your feelings around particular experiences.
Always remember, YOU ARE NOT ALONE! Book a free call to chat about the support I can offer you here, or get your copy of It’s About You Too, here.
PRACTICE SELF COMPASSION
Oh, and if you feel like it’d be helpful to hear about strategies to prepare to be more open and public, let me know in the comments and I’ll put together a list for you in the next blog.