The Myth of the One-Time Coming Out Story
People often think of coming out as a single, defining moment — one brave declaration, and suddenly, you’re free. That wasn’t my experience.
I didn’t wake up one day and decide to come out. It was a slow, painful, and sometimes confusing process. At first, I wasn’t even ready to think it, let alone say it out loud. I carried my truth in silence, battling against it, bargaining with myself, hoping that if I ignored it long enough, it would disappear. But the truth doesn’t disappear—it waits for you to be ready to see, experience, and embrace it.
The Internal Struggle
For years, I struggled with my identity. I told myself stories to keep my truth buried — I was just going through a phase, I was having these feelings in reaction to… (insert one of many crappy experiences) I wasn’t really queer, I could just push these feelings aside and live the life that everyone expected of me.
Having children at a young age kept me busy, kept me distracted. I had to focus on them, their needs. How do you even do this thing called parenting? It already felt like the world was against me. I was a ‘child’ with children. Doing one of the most judged, criticised jobs in the world, and at such a young age… They say it takes a village to raise children, except, apparently, if you’re young, then we’ll just sit back and watch and wait for you to fail. (But that’s a whole other conversation) No matter how much I ignored this feeling inside, the truth was always there, pressing against the walls I built around it. Every now and then, I caught glimpses of my true self and promptly buried them again. Until, eventually, I couldn’t do it anymore.
The Fear That Held Me Back
Before I could come out to anyone else, I had to come out to myself. And that was terrifying.
I worried about what it would mean for my life, my relationships, and my family. Would I lose people? Would I be treated differently? Would I be rejected? Would I find love? How do you even find love when you’re gay? I played over so many different scenarios in my head. The fear of the unknown, the fear of what might be, kept me locked in silence.
For those who haven’t lived it, it’s hard to understand how isolating it feels to carry a secret like this. It’s like living two lives — one on the outside, where everything looks fine, and one on the inside, where everything feels like a battle.
The First Steps Towards Freedom
There wasn’t one single moment when I knew I was ready to come out. It was a series of small realisations, each one pushing me closer to the edge of honesty.
Meeting the woman who would become my partner for the next nine years was one of those moments. It was impossible to ignore how I felt, impossible to suppress the deep knowing that had been there all along. And so, little by little, I began to acknowledge my truth—to myself first, then slowly, to others.
I didn’t come out all at once. I came out in layers, testing the waters, saying it in whispers before I could say it with confidence. And even after I said it, there were times I still struggled to fully embrace it. I played with language; I eased my way in. At first, I struggled to say the word ‘lesbian’, in fact, I think I started off saying that I didn’t think I was, I was just in love with this woman.
Coming Out Is an Ongoing Process
What people don’t often talk about is that coming out isn’t a one-time thing. It’s something you do over and over, in different ways, in different spaces.
Each time, there’s a new set of challenges. How will this person react? Will they accept me? Will this change how they see me? Am I safe to share with this person, or to hold my partner’s hand in public? Some reactions were positive, some were difficult, and some left me questioning whether I had made a mistake.
But here’s what I’ve learned: coming out isn’t only about one big announcement. It’s about slowly learning to live in a way that feels true to you. And that takes time. Then there’s the sharing with others, inviting them into your world. Sharing a part of yourself with them that you had previously hidden. Yes, there may be a ‘big announcement’ to those close to you. Perhaps your parents, siblings or grandparents. And that can feel very scary, however, this is an ongoing process, and for some, it becomes easier over time. However, it still has an impact, regardless of how confident and comfortable in your own skin, you become.
What I’d Tell Someone Still in This Stage
If you’re in the middle of this process, I want you to know: you are allowed to take your time. There is no right way or right timeline for coming out.
Here’s what I’ve learned:
✅ You don’t have to have it all figured out to start being honest with yourself.
✅ Coming out isn’t about meeting others’ expectations—it’s about honouring yourself.
✅ There is no rush. You get to do this on your terms.
If you’re struggling, ask yourself:
- What would it feel like to stop hiding, even just a little?
- Who are the safe people in my life that I can confide in?
- What kind of support do I need to feel comfortable in my truth?
Your Story Matters
Have you ever felt like coming out wasn’t a single moment, but a process? I’d love to hear your thoughts.
If you’re struggling with this, know that you’re not alone. I see you, and I support you.
As part of my therapeutic coaching and counselling, I help people navigate this journey—if you’re ready to explore what self-acceptance looks like for you, let’s talk.
Book a free call here or email me at tracy@indigojourney.co (not com)